Today's challenges I've combined because I was late...and also lazy.
Day 4: Your views on Religion
Day 5: A time you thought of ending your own life.
These are two big topics, so I thought I'd mush them together and create one big giant entry of it.
I have been religious my entire life. When I was young, we went to the New Creation Church. I've always believed and been taught that God is real, that Jesus Christ died for me, and about the Atonement. I am Religious, and devout at that.
My views on religion though are sometimes a bit cynical because of people, not religion itself. Religion, at its core, is about love and not judging others and second chances. It's about believing in a God or Other Power that created everything you see and feel. During my pre-teens to early teens, I wavered in my faith of God. I thought, 'If He is real, then why do so many bad things happen? Where the prophets like in the Bible times that are meant to lead his people? Does He not care anymore of his people now?' and I became quite angry at Him. But during that whole time I was growing in disbelief and frustration, I couldn't deny that whenever I went out into nature for walks to cool down, or felt the love of a friend, I knew deep down that this all couldn't come just by sheer luck.
I do feel though, however, when people use it to justify cruel means, or to judge and harm another person, then religion is used wrongly, and unfortunately too many people do that nowadays. It's use like a rod to beat those who see differently from you, when in fact it should be like a blanket to comfort others and help them feel loved. There are too many, 'I'm right and you're wrong. You don't agree with me which means you're against me' type of mentalities that ruin it for the rest of us who are respecting other people's beliefs while having our own. Religion when used the way it has been laid out helps so many people, but when used to the advantage of heartless and vindictive people, then it turns ugly.
Day 5: A time you thought of ending your own life.
Actually, this year was where I had a few close calls with being so fed up and closing in on the choice to just do it. One particular one was when it was at 3am, and everybody else was already in bed fast asleep while I sat on my computer and cried alone in my room. Work was stressing me out, I didn't feel like my friends actually liked me or wanted me around, I didn't feel like my life was going where I had hoped it would go, I didn't feel loved (by family, friends, or even boys I liked), and my anxiety worsened all of these thoughts to make me worry about them almost every second of every day.
Most of the times when I thought of death and just ending the pain, I would think of ways but chicken out. I'd think, 'Oh, I can't do it. I'm too scared of the physical pain, so I'll just suffer the mental pain instead.' but this one night I thought that I could just get into the car that I had been practicing in my L's in, and to just drive somewhere remote and to drive as hard as I could into a tree, or wall, or even into a large body of water. I would sometimes be in the bath just thinking of something that would feel final. No going back. Like jumping off the high diving board at the swimming pool, once you did it you couldn't turn around and grab onto the ledge or talk yourself out of it. It would be done.
So that night I did sit in the car. I just sat in there, fumbling with the keys but not gaining up the nerve to actually put it in the ignition and set off and not coming back.
I prayed and prayed that night so fervently. I probably stained the steering wheel and my keys with a wave of tears. I didn't want to hurt the people I knew, but then again, I didn't know if they would care.
The thought that pulled me back inside the house and into bed was a story I read on my phone. Yes, I searched up suicide forums while in the car just to read stories of people attempting it or their families finding them. One boy talked of how he tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills, and his parents found him in the bathroom. They took him to the hospital, and he luckily survived. But he said that he had never seen such love from his parents before, and how much fear he had seen in their eyes when they thought they were holding their dying son for the last time. He wrote of how he never really took into account of what impact it would have, and he knew that his parents would have been in turmoil at his death. He shared other reasons, but this one hit me the most.
After that experience, I knew things were much more serious than I had thought it was and spent more time on suicide forums, trying to build up the courage to tell my parents that I was having suicidal tendencies. They helped me so much, and really showed an immense level of love towards me. What also helped me was hearing from my brother his ordeal with depression and suicidal thoughts. It helped me to feel that I wasn't going crazy, or losing my mind with anxiety, and that I was dealing with the same thing my brother dealt with when he was 18.
You don't have to go through things alone and expect to shoulder on through it, life isn't about carrying it all by yourself. You do have people who love you out there, more than you think.
(If you're ever suicidal, or dealing with depression, or just need someone to talk to, I'm always free. Always. I have been known to have 2am calls when friends were distraught.)