I had a sick vision. Yes, you read that right. A sick vision. During my horrid week dancing with Death, I began to realise something about my life.
I'm not happy.
This past week has been horrid. I began to feel funny on Monday. I drove mum and dad around to pick up some supplies for their sickness, and as soon as I got home I just collapsed into bed. When I awoke, I was sick. Just dead sick. Sore throat, headache, blocked nose, already beginning to lose water weight and bloating and the smell of decomposition was setting it. It was bad. All of us were sick. We're all infected.
Nay got sick after me, so the whole week the Klenka clan just stayed indoors. Mum didn't work all week, and Dad took a couple days off work to recuperate. Even Koko was joining in by laying on our chests like a log and just looking adoringly into our eyes as if to say, "I believe in you, hurry up and get better so you can feed me". It was actually quite fun, we worked as a team in getting each other tea and juice, blankets for when we were cold and soup for our stomaches. I felt like we were a cute little leper family! :) We all lost bloat and water weight, so mum and dad are flaunting off their newly (and long lost) found collar bones. I, on the other hand, look like one of the zombies from The Walking Dead, 'cos all my bones are jutting out. I have cheekbones...I think I may be british now. Mum is trying to re-fatten me up 'cos she thinks i look scarily thin, but I really just think it's sabotage so we're all a pudgy family. All of us or none of us sort of thing.
So on Monday the 7th of April, I'm officially not sick anymore! Woo! I actually haven't left the house for an entire week, and I began to hallucinate I swear. I can't be cooped up inside for that long, it does things to me.
I drove to Seminary this morning, and to be able to go to Seminary was so refreshing. I'm just grateful to be able to go outside now! My week was basically - Sleep in until 4-5pm, eat soup unwillingly, read a book (I read 3 books in one week, and watched about 5 movies, and caught up on one TV series...an entire series), laid down for a while 'cos I was feeling dizzy, have a bath, spend an hour trying to muster the strength to get dressed from said bath, and then back to sleep -
Then I realised I wasn't happy...
As I laid down (most nights) I realised that I wasn't happy where I was. It was kind of like, being in my own body but not being in my own body sort of thing. As I looked inward, I realised that I was getting influenced to begin fixating on Fandoms (TV shows, books, movies, etc) and having to be updated on all the newest information about them. Most days my friends would text or message me about them, and that's absolutely fine, but I'm a fixator. While it was nice to feel so connected and close to them (Heck, my birthday was Fandom themed. I regret nothing), I realised that I was dedicating too much of my life to it. The other day, my super close knit friends were messaging me and they were telling me about their future plans to move to Sydney, or somewhere else in Australia to study their dream careers.
So there I was, with no major plans like theirs.
And in my sick, hallucinated state, I began to feel really crappy. When I really thought about it, did I really care for Fandoms? Or did I just want to be able to be that friend that my friends could talk to and have fun with and not be that 'molly mormon' girl that no one can talk to because all she does talk about is the Gospel? I realised that sooner or later, they'll drop the fandoms and focus more on their careers as adults, and I don't want to be that friend that was the cool fandom friend but in the end, never really did anything.
I also realised that when I die, none of that fandom stuff is coming up with me. No amount of movie, TV show, or book knowledge is going to be important when I die and see the face of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and realise...'dag nabbit, I just wasted my mortal ministry on crappy Fandoms'. That feeling, will be the spiritual death of me, Mike. I don't want to feel like I've wasted my time here. You know me, I'm not the type for 50/50. I can't half-ass things. I am either 100% passion, intense obsessive behaviour into it, or I'm completely 0% apathetic that-thing-doesn't-exist-to-me behaviour. For a time I was 100% into the gospel, studying it and living it and teaching about it...and I can say full-heartedly that was when I felt the Spirit the strongest and received the most revelation. Every single time I read the scriptures I was receiving answers to prayers and guidance on what to do. Then...I think after Natalie left, I felt like the only friend I had who ACTUALLY encouraged me to do anything gospel related left me and now I was on my own. Without you to be my support, and without Natalie, I really felt alone spiritually. I think that's when I decided to make that switch subconsciously to fandoms. I drove all that passion for the gospel into fandoms.
I'm not saying that I despise and blame my friends, I'm not saying that I hate fandoms and will never do anything in them again. I love my friends. I will always be their friend, and i'll continue to be in fandoms (I love books, and TV shows. Dont' judge me) but what I'm trying to get at is that I need to refocus all that passion I have back onto the gospel. Onto real substantial stuff that goes into the Eternities. I'm talking about like, personal spiritual growth and stuff.
So I told mum in my half delirious state about my plan and how I feel personally that this is my temptation leading up to my mission. For some, it might be idleness through video games or losing desire to serve a mission. For me, it's the influence of Fandoms and being obsessed in other things than the gospel. I know i'm allowed to watch a show here and there, and that's not bad. I get that, and i probably will still have my mummy-daughter dates of watching a show together. But it was getting really obsessive to the point where I began to stop praying and reading scriptures 'cos they weren't on my top priority list.
So I made a plan with mum, we started listing off the things that are distractions to me (Pinterest is a huge one, goodness grief. I could spend hours on that and not even notice). We dropped TV shows, we set internet limitations, and it felt GOOD. I felt peace about it. I felt like, "Okay. I went off course a little bit into a maze and realised I was at a dead end. Now it's time to turn back and to return to the straight and narrow path and to repent of going off the path". I feel happy for once.
Yesterday I was still too sick to go to Church, so at home I made my own little church day. I prayed at the start, I listened to Church talks (I listened to the one about the Practical Approach to the Atonement by Stephen E. Robinson and I swear I almost cried even though I've listened to it like x10 times already), I memorised a scripture mastery, I wrote in my journal about how I was feeling about everything and my plans, I set out all my missionary study things on my table so it's easier to get them to study instead of going on the internet, and I listened to general conferences hymns all day. I can honestly tell you that it was one of the most spiritual things I've experienced in awhile. Lesley and Richard's baptism was special spiritually for me, but it could have been so much more if I was prepared emotionally, mentally, and spiritually for it without distractions.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm feeling that burning desire in my heart again for the gospel. To preach it, to live it, and to testify of it. I'm learning what it is to not be ashamed to proudly proclaim, 'I AM A MOLLY MORMON. AND I LIKE IT". I'm learning what is comfortable me and what I really want to do in this life, and not what those around me are doing. I'm learning what it's like to be alone in what I'm doing. I'm learning to lean on Jesus Christ. And I'm currently crying *I AM NOT MUM, I AM A MANLY MAN WHO DON'T CRY*
It's good. I'm happy. I'm really excited! I can practically feel Heavenly Father excitedly saying "Finally! she got over that stumbling block that has been holding her back from her true potential!" and wanting to give me a high five to the face. I don't really know where I got lost, or how it happened, but I know that a lot of the doubt that I was feeling and the distractions were very calculated and insanely subtle temptations and 'whisperings' from Satan.
I like holding myself to insanely high standards. I know a lot of people would that that's really unhealthy, but I hold myself to those standards because I know I'm capable of it. I think of it as a challenge that, when I reach and accomplish, I feel better and feel that I've grown personally. Others will think, 'just relax! You don't need to be so full on so much. You're allowed to have fun"...but what they don't realise, and this is what I forgot, is that I actually love and find the gospel FUN. I find receiving answers through scriptures exhilarating. I find joy in feeling the Spirit and actually RECOGNISING it. I feel spiritually full when I'm keeping commandments and the covenants that I have made with my Loving Father. For others, this may be a task, but for me it was once my source of joy. I read back through my old journals (Cos that's what I do when I'm melancholy and depressive) and I saw a Young Woman who was excited about Jesus Christ and learning about him and feeling the Spirit and living the standards, and even to her own set standards. I saw a Young Woman who wasn't shy, or timid, or scared about it either. I was actually very impressed and proud of that woman that I read about, and when I thought to the question - "If you met the child version of you, do you think she/he would be proud of you and who you are now?" - and I could honestly say yes as I read along.
It's just taking the steps of courage to be able to break away from my friends for a time so that I can re-gather myself and spiritually grow leading up to my mission in preparation. I need to re-learn to love myself. I need to remember what my own influence was and to see a glimpse of my eternal potential as Heavenly Father sees it.
i'M EXCITED. I'M PROBABLY SCARING YOU, BUT IT'S KAY.
I'm okay :) I'm much happier, and now it's just about focus and determination at this point. All the plans are set, all the distractions are continually being deleted or brushed aside, and I know what I have to do. I want to be a missionary right now. Not when I'm called and set apart, not when I'm in the MTC, not when I'm out in the field with my companion. I want to be a missionary now, and for the rest of my life. It's not just a year and half thing.